In the Middle

So a couple weeks ago my family met with the prosecutor for my dad's case. As predicted he chose to not go further with a trial and the meeting was basically pointless. I found myself getting lost in the sight of Mt. Baker and the Puget Sound. It was a glorious, sunny day and I did my best to not let certain things get to me. I had to clear my head after the meeting so I headed to the one place that always makes me feel better... My friend's parents own property up at Lake Rosinger. Mostly its just some grass and a dock, but to me it's my little chunk of heaven. When I'm feeling down I like to go up there and sit on the dock. The quietness and fresh air clears my mind and the calming ripple of the waves soothe my soul. I am grateful I have a place like that even if it isn't my own. Someday I hope to own my own spot on the water. I can't decide if I want to live on a lake or ocean, but wherever I end up I know I will be happy.

Right now I think I'm in a weird blah like state. I've been waiting for the decision about my dad's case for a year. I've gone from sad to happy to angry and so forth and now that it's pretty much over I don't really know how to feel. My friend said that this is the point where things are going to start to change, but it's hard for me to see what she sees. I have no idea what the next few months hold, but I'm hoping with all my heart that I find some answers and things turn out the way they should. I'm trying so hard to just live my life one day at a time, but I'm not very good at waiting. I want so many things for myself especially after this past year and I'm really ready to move on and start heading down the path I so badly want. I just have to remember to breathe and to be patient. Maybe if I let life happen, instead of worrying, things will work out.

"It had been my repeated experience that when you said to life calmly and firmly (but very firmly!) 'I trust you; do what you must,' life had an uncanny way of responding to your need." Olga Ilyn

The feeling never leaves...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I can never stay at something for too long. I have never had a job more than a year, I haven't lived in the same place for more than months at a time the last 4 years, I've started and ended school 3 times...etc. I think a lot of it has to do with my fear of settling. So many people say "do things while you're still young." blah blah blah. It's like growing older means being stuck.

If I could afford it I would grab my dog, camera, and some food and hit the road. I think I would head North. Alaska seems to be calling my name. I'm not happy here and I need a drastic change. I want to get lost in the wilderness. Become one with my surroundings. I don't want to stand still anymore. I only wish I had the courage and the means to follow my heart. People used to be able to travel with nothing but a few dollars in their pocket and a pack filled with their needed belongings. These days it costs hundreds, if not thousands of dollars in order to get away. Unless you want to try to be homeless for awhile. As much as I want to experience living on the streets to gain perspective it's not something I see myself actually being able to do. UGH! I need to figure my life out or I swear I might go insane. And I've tried to get out of here so many times. When will it be my turn? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough...