This is something I wrote on facebook a year or so ago:

There are nights when my brain just won't shut off. No matter how hard I try thoughts flood my mind, drowning any chance of sleep I might have had. Not even music, my one and only crutch, can muffle my fears, wonderments, minor details and what not that constantly pop in and out of my mind. Its nights like these that I hate being alone. I fear silence, but sometimes it’s the only thing I wish for. Silence equals a much needed rest.

Of course the most frequent thought I have at night usually deals with the loss of my father. The death of anyone is one of the hardest things to wrap our heads around. It’s hard to believe, to accept that that someone is gone forever. Yes, we may see them when our own time comes, if that’s what you believe, but while you exist here on Earth, you can’t imagine how this could be possible. For me, the hardest thing to accept is how fast my dad was taken from me. I took my dad for granted. I thought that I wouldn’t/couldn’t lose him this early. I had talked to him earlier that day. The next thing I know I’m on a plane heading home from Mississippi because my dad had been killed. FUCK! I replay that day over and over. I was so numb. I was stuck in MS and unable to get home fast enough. All I wanted to do was comfort my brother, to be home with my family. But I had to wait. I have never wanted to be home so bad.

I am trying to be so strong, but even the strong crumble at times. I think about all the times I shut my dad out. All the times I put my own selfish needs above his. He was alone and all he needed was a little love and company once in awhile. Most times I ignored him. Now I know I was acting like every adolescent would, but I feel horrible. I wish that I could go back and be a more caring and loving daughter. One my dad deserved. I miss him so much. He didn’t deserve to go the way he did. I only hope that he finally found some peace. I hope that he knows how much we all love him and miss him. I hope he knows that even though we fought I had so much respect for him. I was so proud of him and the person he was finally becoming. I wish he could have opened up to me. I wish that he had known that we feared the same things, of how much alike we really were.

Now I must keep my chin up. I cannot stay in this rut. I must become the person he wanted me to be, to make him proud. And I will find a way to make something of my life. I love you dad. Finally get the rest you so badly needed. Goodnight.

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west."

My mind is filled with millions of thoughts, worries, random uselessness, etc. that races around my brain 24/7. It gets exhausting at times, but lately what is written below has been overpowering all my other thoughts and forcing me to open my eyes:

...

I want so badly to leave this town, yet it seems like every time I try to leave I just end up right where I started. My failures have created a great fear deep in my soul; the fear that I will forever be stuck. And standing still is what I am afraid of yet it is what I am doing with my life as of now. It drives me insane every single day.

I can't live my life this way anymore. I was born to wander and my heart's desire is to explore this green earth God has given us. I want to immerse myself in it's beauty and learn to flow with nature. The longer I stay here the more I begin to settle for less than I deserve.

Although I want, no, I need to, get out I have this great fear that if I leave something else will happen and I will once again have to return home. A little over a year ago I had finally done something with my life. I was happy, and nervous, but mostly happy to be on a great adventure. As fate would have it, my dad passed away merely a week after I left. I came home immediately and haven't left since. I can't rid my mind of the thought that maybe I am meant to stay here and be the rock my family needs. But how can that be so when deep down I am unhappy? How do I not feel guilty for escaping and leaving my family behind? Why am I so torn on what is more important; my true happiness or staying for my family? Why am I really afraid to leave? Is it leaving my family behind or is it because I am afraid of what will become of my life if I go? On and on my mind spins and these thoughts keep me up at all hours of the night. If I break it down, I know the answer, but I let that fear have power over me and it becomes the bases of my decisions.

The days I manage to overcome my fears I decide to take advantage of my once forgotten courage. Just a few days ago I reapplied for Americorps and I am working on a few other applications for volunteer service projects throughout the country. This is my first step towards really starting my life. I want to spend part of it outdoors doing environmental service. I truly believe that by doing so I will not only be helping our earth, but I will be able to find myself. Mother nature does wonders for the human race and so many of us never get the chance to experience her greatness. I won't miss out on that chance, not again.

...

I have to remember to have faith and to rise above. That I am capable of whatever I set my mind to. To not let anything or anyone hold me back. That I deserve to feel whole and happy once again. And most of all I have to remember to share the love I have been blessed with to those who feel less fortunate than I.

...

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;

There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
-Lord Byron

Goodnight constant reader, may your dreams be filled with beauty.