There are nights when my brain just won't shut off. No matter how hard I try thoughts flood my mind, drowning any chance of sleep I might have had. Not even music, my one and only crutch, can muffle my fears, wonderments, minor details and what not that constantly pop in and out of my mind. Its nights like these that I hate being alone. I fear silence, but sometimes it’s the only thing I wish for. Silence equals a much needed rest.
Of course the most frequent thought I have at night usually deals with the loss of my father. The death of anyone is one of the hardest things to wrap our heads around. It’s hard to believe, to accept that that someone is gone forever. Yes, we may see them when our own time comes, if that’s what you believe, but while you exist here on Earth, you can’t imagine how this could be possible. For me, the hardest thing to accept is how fast my dad was taken from me. I took my dad for granted. I thought that I wouldn’t/couldn’t lose him this early. I had talked to him earlier that day. The next thing I know I’m on a plane heading home from Mississippi because my dad had been killed. FUCK! I replay that day over and over. I was so numb. I was stuck in MS and unable to get home fast enough. All I wanted to do was comfort my brother, to be home with my family. But I had to wait. I have never wanted to be home so bad.
I am trying to be so strong, but even the strong crumble at times. I think about all the times I shut my dad out. All the times I put my own selfish needs above his. He was alone and all he needed was a little love and company once in awhile. Most times I ignored him. Now I know I was acting like every adolescent would, but I feel horrible. I wish that I could go back and be a more caring and loving daughter. One my dad deserved. I miss him so much. He didn’t deserve to go the way he did. I only hope that he finally found some peace. I hope that he knows how much we all love him and miss him. I hope he knows that even though we fought I had so much respect for him. I was so proud of him and the person he was finally becoming. I wish he could have opened up to me. I wish that he had known that we feared the same things, of how much alike we really were.
Now I must keep my chin up. I cannot stay in this rut. I must become the person he wanted me to be, to make him proud. And I will find a way to make something of my life. I love you dad. Finally get the rest you so badly needed. Goodnight.
Of course the most frequent thought I have at night usually deals with the loss of my father. The death of anyone is one of the hardest things to wrap our heads around. It’s hard to believe, to accept that that someone is gone forever. Yes, we may see them when our own time comes, if that’s what you believe, but while you exist here on Earth, you can’t imagine how this could be possible. For me, the hardest thing to accept is how fast my dad was taken from me. I took my dad for granted. I thought that I wouldn’t/couldn’t lose him this early. I had talked to him earlier that day. The next thing I know I’m on a plane heading home from Mississippi because my dad had been killed. FUCK! I replay that day over and over. I was so numb. I was stuck in MS and unable to get home fast enough. All I wanted to do was comfort my brother, to be home with my family. But I had to wait. I have never wanted to be home so bad.
I am trying to be so strong, but even the strong crumble at times. I think about all the times I shut my dad out. All the times I put my own selfish needs above his. He was alone and all he needed was a little love and company once in awhile. Most times I ignored him. Now I know I was acting like every adolescent would, but I feel horrible. I wish that I could go back and be a more caring and loving daughter. One my dad deserved. I miss him so much. He didn’t deserve to go the way he did. I only hope that he finally found some peace. I hope that he knows how much we all love him and miss him. I hope he knows that even though we fought I had so much respect for him. I was so proud of him and the person he was finally becoming. I wish he could have opened up to me. I wish that he had known that we feared the same things, of how much alike we really were.
Now I must keep my chin up. I cannot stay in this rut. I must become the person he wanted me to be, to make him proud. And I will find a way to make something of my life. I love you dad. Finally get the rest you so badly needed. Goodnight.
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