A long time coming...

Looking at my last post almost 2 years ago I am not who I was. With time comes the ever constant change life tends to dish us. Whether we are ready or not. Just to get you caught up on life as quickly as possible here is a recap:

• I spent those first few months finally being able to let go a huge chunk of misery I had held on to after my dad died. Meeting with the prosecutor was the last thing I needed to release all that stress.
• That summer was my first without having Rae home to go on our usual planned yet spontaneous adventures. It was a little rough at first, but it turned out to be a very interesting summer with some of my best friends.
• Winter came. It brought some love, some snow, and a lot of goodbyes. Come February I was headed for my second try at Americorps NCCC. This time in Perry Point, Maryland. I did a lot of great service while I was there and got to see a lot of the lower east's landscapes. 
• Spring came along and a visit from the "then boyfriend" and I decided that NCCC just wasn't for me. I made a hard choice and decided to come home in the beginning of May. Although I learned that it wasn't the best choice I made, I don't regret it.
• Summer came along and by the end of it I had moved on and out of a love I thought I had, but lost and even got a job as a PERSONAL TRAINER. I stayed with my parents for awhile and finally found a place with some real good friends in a house in North Seattle. I met a great guy who reminded me of who I am and made me a more confident person. We spent the fall together, but as relationships go sometimes, our timing was off and we decided to end things. Maybe friends do exist after dating. I'd like to say I believe in fairy tales.
• And now winter is almost upon us again...

For once in my life I can say that I am happy. I have a decent job, a roof over my head, a loving family, and friends that I couldn't live without. Of course there are things I wish I had in my life, but I have faith and hope that time will give me those when I am ready. I just live, as well as I can, one day at a time.

I am going to try to turn this blog into more than just a diary. I want it more to be thoughts, ideas, quotes that hit me, lyrics that ring true...anything, and everything. Not only for my own well being, but for those looking to not feel so alone. In some way and somehow we are all connected.

"You know what truly aches all that you are? Having so much inside you and not having the slightest of how to pour it out." 

Christopher Poindextor

I'm glad to be back. Here's to a fresh start!

Goodnight World Wide Web.

In the Middle

So a couple weeks ago my family met with the prosecutor for my dad's case. As predicted he chose to not go further with a trial and the meeting was basically pointless. I found myself getting lost in the sight of Mt. Baker and the Puget Sound. It was a glorious, sunny day and I did my best to not let certain things get to me. I had to clear my head after the meeting so I headed to the one place that always makes me feel better... My friend's parents own property up at Lake Rosinger. Mostly its just some grass and a dock, but to me it's my little chunk of heaven. When I'm feeling down I like to go up there and sit on the dock. The quietness and fresh air clears my mind and the calming ripple of the waves soothe my soul. I am grateful I have a place like that even if it isn't my own. Someday I hope to own my own spot on the water. I can't decide if I want to live on a lake or ocean, but wherever I end up I know I will be happy.

Right now I think I'm in a weird blah like state. I've been waiting for the decision about my dad's case for a year. I've gone from sad to happy to angry and so forth and now that it's pretty much over I don't really know how to feel. My friend said that this is the point where things are going to start to change, but it's hard for me to see what she sees. I have no idea what the next few months hold, but I'm hoping with all my heart that I find some answers and things turn out the way they should. I'm trying so hard to just live my life one day at a time, but I'm not very good at waiting. I want so many things for myself especially after this past year and I'm really ready to move on and start heading down the path I so badly want. I just have to remember to breathe and to be patient. Maybe if I let life happen, instead of worrying, things will work out.

"It had been my repeated experience that when you said to life calmly and firmly (but very firmly!) 'I trust you; do what you must,' life had an uncanny way of responding to your need." Olga Ilyn

The feeling never leaves...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the fact that I can never stay at something for too long. I have never had a job more than a year, I haven't lived in the same place for more than months at a time the last 4 years, I've started and ended school 3 times...etc. I think a lot of it has to do with my fear of settling. So many people say "do things while you're still young." blah blah blah. It's like growing older means being stuck.

If I could afford it I would grab my dog, camera, and some food and hit the road. I think I would head North. Alaska seems to be calling my name. I'm not happy here and I need a drastic change. I want to get lost in the wilderness. Become one with my surroundings. I don't want to stand still anymore. I only wish I had the courage and the means to follow my heart. People used to be able to travel with nothing but a few dollars in their pocket and a pack filled with their needed belongings. These days it costs hundreds, if not thousands of dollars in order to get away. Unless you want to try to be homeless for awhile. As much as I want to experience living on the streets to gain perspective it's not something I see myself actually being able to do. UGH! I need to figure my life out or I swear I might go insane. And I've tried to get out of here so many times. When will it be my turn? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough...

This is something I wrote on facebook a year or so ago:

There are nights when my brain just won't shut off. No matter how hard I try thoughts flood my mind, drowning any chance of sleep I might have had. Not even music, my one and only crutch, can muffle my fears, wonderments, minor details and what not that constantly pop in and out of my mind. Its nights like these that I hate being alone. I fear silence, but sometimes it’s the only thing I wish for. Silence equals a much needed rest.

Of course the most frequent thought I have at night usually deals with the loss of my father. The death of anyone is one of the hardest things to wrap our heads around. It’s hard to believe, to accept that that someone is gone forever. Yes, we may see them when our own time comes, if that’s what you believe, but while you exist here on Earth, you can’t imagine how this could be possible. For me, the hardest thing to accept is how fast my dad was taken from me. I took my dad for granted. I thought that I wouldn’t/couldn’t lose him this early. I had talked to him earlier that day. The next thing I know I’m on a plane heading home from Mississippi because my dad had been killed. FUCK! I replay that day over and over. I was so numb. I was stuck in MS and unable to get home fast enough. All I wanted to do was comfort my brother, to be home with my family. But I had to wait. I have never wanted to be home so bad.

I am trying to be so strong, but even the strong crumble at times. I think about all the times I shut my dad out. All the times I put my own selfish needs above his. He was alone and all he needed was a little love and company once in awhile. Most times I ignored him. Now I know I was acting like every adolescent would, but I feel horrible. I wish that I could go back and be a more caring and loving daughter. One my dad deserved. I miss him so much. He didn’t deserve to go the way he did. I only hope that he finally found some peace. I hope that he knows how much we all love him and miss him. I hope he knows that even though we fought I had so much respect for him. I was so proud of him and the person he was finally becoming. I wish he could have opened up to me. I wish that he had known that we feared the same things, of how much alike we really were.

Now I must keep my chin up. I cannot stay in this rut. I must become the person he wanted me to be, to make him proud. And I will find a way to make something of my life. I love you dad. Finally get the rest you so badly needed. Goodnight.

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west."

My mind is filled with millions of thoughts, worries, random uselessness, etc. that races around my brain 24/7. It gets exhausting at times, but lately what is written below has been overpowering all my other thoughts and forcing me to open my eyes:

...

I want so badly to leave this town, yet it seems like every time I try to leave I just end up right where I started. My failures have created a great fear deep in my soul; the fear that I will forever be stuck. And standing still is what I am afraid of yet it is what I am doing with my life as of now. It drives me insane every single day.

I can't live my life this way anymore. I was born to wander and my heart's desire is to explore this green earth God has given us. I want to immerse myself in it's beauty and learn to flow with nature. The longer I stay here the more I begin to settle for less than I deserve.

Although I want, no, I need to, get out I have this great fear that if I leave something else will happen and I will once again have to return home. A little over a year ago I had finally done something with my life. I was happy, and nervous, but mostly happy to be on a great adventure. As fate would have it, my dad passed away merely a week after I left. I came home immediately and haven't left since. I can't rid my mind of the thought that maybe I am meant to stay here and be the rock my family needs. But how can that be so when deep down I am unhappy? How do I not feel guilty for escaping and leaving my family behind? Why am I so torn on what is more important; my true happiness or staying for my family? Why am I really afraid to leave? Is it leaving my family behind or is it because I am afraid of what will become of my life if I go? On and on my mind spins and these thoughts keep me up at all hours of the night. If I break it down, I know the answer, but I let that fear have power over me and it becomes the bases of my decisions.

The days I manage to overcome my fears I decide to take advantage of my once forgotten courage. Just a few days ago I reapplied for Americorps and I am working on a few other applications for volunteer service projects throughout the country. This is my first step towards really starting my life. I want to spend part of it outdoors doing environmental service. I truly believe that by doing so I will not only be helping our earth, but I will be able to find myself. Mother nature does wonders for the human race and so many of us never get the chance to experience her greatness. I won't miss out on that chance, not again.

...

I have to remember to have faith and to rise above. That I am capable of whatever I set my mind to. To not let anything or anyone hold me back. That I deserve to feel whole and happy once again. And most of all I have to remember to share the love I have been blessed with to those who feel less fortunate than I.

...

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;

There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
-Lord Byron

Goodnight constant reader, may your dreams be filled with beauty.

Can you hear it?

I could listen to the rain every night as I fall asleep...as long as I wake up to sunshine or feet of snow ;)
The sound of rain is so relaxing. Each drop carries my troubles far far away until my eyelids are heavy and I drift deep into the land of dreams. It's like Mother Nature is sitting by my bedside and her soft, caring voice is singing me my own personal lullaby. There is no better way to fall asleep if you ask me.

No one says it better than Linus

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.' That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

I love Christmas. The joy of seeing houses decorated with lights, hot cocoa, Santa Clause (yes I still believe), Christmas songs and movies, the gathering of friends and family, and the hope of a White Christmas is enough to make me feel like a little kid again. Although I am pleased during this time, I try to remember that Christmas isn't about what we receive, but what we give of ourselves, and I'm not talking about presents. This time of year should be when we are the most giving. We need to remember that not everyone is as blessed as some and that by simply being kind you can make a difference in someone else's life. Anything from giving person a smile (they are contagious you know...) to volunteering your time for the less fortunate helps in the biggest ways possible. And when you give you not only bring joy to others, but you find that you bring joy into your own life as well. A quote I love and believe in states "You can't have a perfect day without doing something for someone who can't repay you." So the moral of my ramble is this; give everything you have to offer to someone who needs it more than you. In doing so their life and your's will forever be changed.

I hope Christmas is a pleasent time for everyone this year. Happy holidays :)
Peace, Love, and Jingle Bell Rock